On the daily I've been trying more and more, to sit down and push out at least 3 to 6 hours worth of creative doings. I'm not employed at the moment. So thus is my employment. As well with the return of money dollars into my life, I have finally been able to rekindle my moped work (keep your eye out for that blog from me as well, if your interested.). Unfortunately, due to my hands, and their even developing stiffness. It has taken me a little longer than I had expected to warm back into the actual wrench work. It hurts, and it's getting colder now. So I've got to take it slow, and really focus on doing things in a fashion that doesn't cause me to much pain or in reality exceed my legal limitations, for working. Not because I'm "afraid" of people taking photos of me doing stuff around the house to rouse my case up. Or even of the fact of hurting myself, because I do NOT wish to do damage to the work that has taken place, with my hands. They already suffer enough naturally on a daily basis, and with the ever increasing rapidity of my current Md. taper. If i don't mind it, and keep a close eye on the amount of use they're getting, I tend to wind up riddled with pain and engulfed by it for weeks at a time. Not really being able to do much at all. So I've learned my physical boundaries when it comes to work, and I'm hoping that some friends will at least some day present themselves to aid me in my quests'. Although I'm sure I have a few who would like to help already, life is life, and that's just not the way it has gone so far. Hopefully someone, will come along who is willing to help me out with some stuff, hopefully having some knowledge of their own. I truly wish to find some one who is willing to aid me freely, yet that knows MORE than I do about everything that interests me. An epic teacher of all things, whom is also a loyal companion. To bad I wasn't born somewhere people still live the old way. Yet, I'm not ungrateful for my family, I love them dearly, and I am not ungrateful for my childhood. It made me who I am, and it was in know way, generally unpleasant. In fact as I look back now, in comparison to a lot of the people whom I have known over the last 10 years. My childhood was in the very least, a learning experience, and isn't that what childhood is for? I think so. Good or bad, hard or east, passing in flashes, or grinding by in never ending arcs of life and loss and woe and glory. So as time goes on, I will continue to move myself onward in the path of getting my plans all online and moving forward. I'm just hoping my hands pull through it with strength. I'll need them, and I'm going to have to figure out all over again what my hands can and can't do with ease. Life is a trial, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I enjoy the challenge and my experiences have solidified me into the sk.person I have become. Cementing my traits into permanancy, truth and concrete, what more could I a
frustrated indeed. I have hands, i do have them. Yet they don't always work as well as they could/should. Although i am in not the slightest bit ungrateful, for the hands that i do have. I wish i had, ANOTHER set, like Goro, ya know. I have so many things that I desperately want to get done, and many of them are strictly to difficult for my hands. As well unfortunately, as to painful.. I need a helper, it's to bad i don't HAVE ANY FRIENDS. ha ha, fuck my life. well'p. for now,I write. and I paint, and I really need to get some to come and help me just long enough to at least get a bike running for transportation at the moment. Tools, ah tools, they would help to, but, money is a cheeky bastard, and it's not time for tools yet!! No no, not yet. But soon! A truck first, a shitty one, that's not shitty, but cheap! yeah cheap! I need to find a good old fashion deal.. onward with daily reconstruction.. To rebuild one's life, is to live each day in confusion, and self doubt.. Unless you are as strong as a trained spiritual guru. which i am not, although i am learning to strengthen myself day by day, and soon, hopefully, I will be made of the proper stuff to achieve my goals at long last. master of me
As she woke and slowly rose up from her bedside, it shortly felt as though she would be swallowed by the black abyssal pressure surrounding her. She knew not from where the pressure was coming, thick like sheets of black smoke, but it was there, and she could feel it’s shadowy breath at the back of her neck, slowly, getting closer, tighter, more thickly wrapping around her with each passing second. Although nothing was to be seen, the feeling held so thick to her face, arms, and nape that she thought, for brief seconds, that she would suffocate. Yet in those seconds of suffocation, clarity came, and before her stood the figure of a boy. Jetting slowly from side to side was his figure, with a sense of translucency her eyes could barely acknowledge. yet she seemed to feel as though she recognized this boy, no, this fetch of a boy. Whom she seemed to know, but from where she could not take the slightest guess. Quickly, at the coming of this realization, the gliding resemblance, caved on itself like smoke wafting from flame to air, and drifted with haunting sway towards the door, reforming in part, the fetch seemed to speak. As the smokey form of his upper body moved on itself like a living flame, the air, torn with the ripping screech of his voice on the wind, seemed to force her back a little as she seemed not as much to hear, but feel his words. “Make haste my lady! all is not yet lost!” and with this, confusion shattered her resolve. She flew at him, violently lashing her hands at him, like the end of a dancing whip. Yet he did not vanish, as she had childishly hoped that he might. Yet instead folded on himself, once again, like the living cloud of boy and smoke that he was. Into halls still black with shivering darkness, before the crack of dawn.Through the eleven toothlike towers of the ancient labyrinthian mouth, into the foot of the mountain. Where the older gods dance, like wraiths borne on shadow, to the faint rattling of old bones. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pierced by the light, her eyes swelled to the point of blindness as she poured herself through the avenues and alleyways, the endless lengths of running tunnel. That sat deep beneath the castles bases and foundations. Deep beneath the earth, into the halls of old. Although she had entered at ground level, true ground level. Below the sea temple steps, yet above the craggy edge of the winter sea, its depth’s lay brooding over the rocks at the foot of the holy hills of the seaman’s God. She now coursed the tunnels deeper and deeper, and in the darkness of those ancient corridors, she began to lose sight of the fetch. He was traveling with raucous speed. Lashing through the corridors, only to slash back violently into her path. Never leaving her far behind, yet always seeming to be just out of sight. As quickly as it had started, the pursuit was ended. As the lady of the sea temple set her bare feet softly into the waters of the pool. At first she was duly unaware both of what had truly taken place, and what was to come next. Before she could process a thought on either topic, her eyes began to adjust, and with the clarity she found, all thought ceased. She was perplexed. Avidly focused on the wonder unfolding before her very eyes. Unaware of herself, she had waded to a waist high level in the glassy waters of the pool. Yet by some magic, no ripple had stirred as she broke the waters glassy surface. Her thin, yet lightly clothed body, seemed to slide into the water effortlessly, and with no resistance. Despite the bitter temperatures of the place, and the waters themselves. The thin cotton of her sleeping dress was barely any kind of barrier against the murky cold of the darkened chamber, nor the ice of this forbidden lake. Yet, she felt no cold. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The boy sat cross legged in his smoky composure on the surface of the lake. She had come up rather near him now, and as he folded on himself, the room woke around him. With him, from him. With a brilliant display of terrifying knowledge, his mouth opened. A fiercely brilliant and nearly blinding light poured forth. Almost leapt out of every darkened fold, and layer of his smoking composition, as if it, also, had been a living creature. To and from every direction, came a low rumbling sound, no, a note. softly at first, but deeply throated, and heavily bound to the room that held it. As if spoken, and hymned by a thousand voices, instead of the visible one that lay before her. The notes began to tremble, to resonate slowly, yet immensely inside the dank and earthen walls of this unknown fortress, deep beneath the mountain. A fortress of formidable strength in it’s own right. As the reverberations bounced feverishly around the room, like so many tiny bouncing balls, in an endlessly moving box. The vibrations slowly reached into her chest, and worked their way into every niche of her soul. They soaked through every inch of her body. Traversing at lightening speed her entire being. Softly separating her, from the self she had always known, and creating within herself, a new awareness. An awareness of the self she had always felt herself to be, and with the crisp, yet fluid opening of this internal door. Vision swallowed her, like the final speck of light, in total, encompassing darkness.
My trip south has been a good one. The doctor visit could have gone better, but at the same time it went well. For it indeed was very eye opening. I am not one to openly condemn or speak my prudence. Yet, I will say this, the California workman's compensation insurance fund, should burn, along with very lobbyist and hand holding comp. insurance defense attorneys. Fire and Blood, for every last one.
Albeit though doctors, and lawyers, and insurance reps, oh my! Have been kicking down, down, down my door, to make me jump through hoops to no avail for the last 5 years. I shan't let that get me day. I got to walk on the beach, submerge my toes in salt and sand, and hear the crish crash of waves inside my head, a sound i'd almost forgotten, and desperately needed to hear again. You have no idea the quenching of spirit i felt when my feet buried in the sand as the water washed back away. I hole was filled. If mot fully, at least for a time.
As importantly, friendship. True friendship. Showed its face for once, and i have been grateful for nothing more than that in some time. I love the ones i dare call brother, for the blood runneth thicker than the water, and my blood is thick. My true brother shan't be shamed by one as such, and sill not be by mine own hand or heart. Only the truest of friend might i call brother, a title to be cherished, yet that is sadly thrown in the dirt more often than not.
Either way, it has been a good day. And now i will sleep a peaceful sleep. Much needed.
So far its been a pretttty eventful day. Actually. I'm pretty thoroughly enjoying my train ride. Lots o wacky stuff goin' on and the bitch is packed full. Lots of wierdos, lots of pretty normal folks, and lots of people who will just talk to whoever. It's pretty tight, it's like the people who ride the train regulRly are just used to wierdos trying to talk to them so they're not all wierded out by it, and its cool. I support random conversations. Their are awesome, ya never know whats gunna come of em..
Location: Southern California (null)
So i sit down to eat breakfast on the train. Hoping for a nice quite breakfast ALONE. Right, i wasn't aware that you are not allowed to eat alone on the train. Who would have thought, bullshit man. I HATE being forced to sit with people i don't know, let ALONE eat with them. Waitress will be lucky if i can even get my food down for awkwardness and anxiety.
EIts been just over a year since i stopped using heroin, and took my happy ass to, Aegis Medical, and tried out methadone as a possible form of treatment.. It was 7/2/12, that day.
Flying colors. Personally.
It is 8/2/13 today. One year and one month to the day since i made the jump. People have their own opinions, and so do i. For the longest time as i suffered i tried everything else i could. Yet i was always Afraid to give the methadone a try, for feR of alternate dependency. Or just pure substitution. I thought to myself, "what is the point of placing myself on another substance, of equal strength and dependence rate to get off the one I'm already fighting to be rid of. I wont feel better, I'll just feel different and be addicted to something different."
Uneducated opinion!! Thats all that was.
I could not have been more wrong, about the process and effects. As well as the state of physical relief and mental and emotional stability that comes along with it. I may in fact still at this point be "addicted" to a clinical and or opiate based pain killer. Yet i am not living like an addict. I sleep regularly, which i have not been able to do since i was 8. I am 26.i eat regularly, which i have not been able to since i was injured. My life style has changed in great strides, and i live my life a cleaner better way now. I have tome for the important things, as well as the money and motivation to complete MOST of them. (Nobody's perfect shit) haha.
And last but certainly not least where once i was afraid, and running weak in all forms of the word. I am strong. I am rested. I am prepared and learned in the areas in which i was indeed i need of knowledge*. I am ready.
Today i began a formal taper. 5 mg a week off my dose of 115 ml. I droppedlpp the first 5 today and feel just fine so far. I believe if i set a stable pace i figure about this time next year i can look forward to being completely opiate free, substance free and if i can do it without beheading my family lol, nicotine free as well.
I have faith,i have courage. I have two beautiful girls, a beautiful dog and. Roof over my head. I might be broke, but i am richer than i have ever been. I am richer than anyone with happiness and motivation. The world is there, I've only finally learned how to reach out and take the parts i NEED AND Want to better my life. And drop, and leave behind all the ones that dont.
So to the methadone, i thank you, for giving me the tools and weapons needed to fi my broken life.
I am happy today, and moving forward.
Zachary s. wasteaway 08:02:2013. 11:00 am
Location: Chico Chico
iT'S ALMOST 5 AM.. and I've been up since midnight.. but i've gotten a lot of work done, and i'm fuckin stoked.. gunna go dose soon, then pass out, been a productive evening..
everything Is coming along nicely in my life at the moment. All of my affairs are progressing properly, and perfectly. I am happy in general, and My real friends are showing their faces once again, and the true colors are being painted.. I'm happy about this. I don't want to deal with #fakeassfriends any more.. Ps: I've decided to also use this blog as my photography blog, as well as my writing blog, therefor and thus converting this blog, into my photo journalism blog. Albeit any photojournalism I may do and or participate in. Will be strictly amateur and basically for my own enjoyment, as well as practice. it would be awesome to get paid for it one day, but at the moment it's just another hobby :D thanks anyhow..
I must fuckin say, I've done quite a bit of positive thinking today. I've spent most of my time planning and considering the most positive things I can spend my time doing.. -I'm about to thoroughly stock up on art supplies, I really want to get back to painting.. -I need to build the work station bench and shelves outside my front door along the fence. so I have a more solid work station for slammin on my bikes and doin other outdoorsy stuff. Plus I'm going to tarp cover it once the rainy ness comes. cuz I wanna be able to do stuff outside no matter what.. My work station will get epic. soon. -I need to go pick up my printing press, so that I can start working on it...i need to sand the fuck out of it, and match up some bolts. But once I get it figured out it just needs some tlc. and it should be making t shirts andjackets galore asap.. -I have a lot of supplies I need to start stocking. -lumber -paints -canvas' -scrap metal -brushes -parts -part bikes -money$$$$$$ (haha) -and most definately screen printing supplies.. ink and emulsion so on... exc exc.. I'm feeling really good about the changes I've made, and I know that It will eventually bring my family closer together, and boost my happiness level tenfold I'm sure. I love the fact that I'm actually living alone.. It's allowing me a lot of time to reflect and actually form a plan. Once I form a plan It's just a matter of execution.. and the heads have already started rollin' onward.. 666
In reality, pretty much every last thing in my whole entire life has changed over the last three weeks.. It's been crazy. The last year of my life has been kind of nutty, and realistically fucked up.. But I've taken the steps, I'm making it right, and my family isn't far off behind me. I just hope my health holds on, lol. That's the only thing that can hold me back at this point I feel like. I am pushing forward, slowly but surely in all departments of my life, and before I, you, they know it, I'm gunna be rollin'. HARD. Harder than even I expected I believe, I got more than one good thing coming my way I feel like.. I hope, I pray, I decay...